A New Hope

What is that fine line between maintaining hope and accepting reality?  Why is hope important? How do you help someone accept their circumstance without taking away their hope?

  It has been difficult dealing with my mom's illness. Reality has set in that she will not be with us for much longer. With this reality comes the balance between being open, honest and helping her to accept this. The difficulty is helping her to live whatever time she has left without being in despair.

 We struggle between helping her to maintain hope and yet facing reality. Knowing that she needs to accept what is to come so she can have peace.   While talking  with my dad about this I started thinking about Hope.  Are we truly looking at what it means to have hope, what does hope really mean?  So I looked up the meaning of the word hope and this is what i found.
Hope is the emotional  state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen"
So what does hope mean? Having a positive outcome to events or circumstances.  How do we help my mom to see the positive outcome to her circumstances?    For the past 6 1/2 years her hope has been in positive outcomes to her treatments, medications, doctors appointments, lab results ect. How do we shift that thinking past cancer and what her life has been to a new hope of what her future life will be . How do we help her to change her thinking , to look forward with desire and reasonable confidence to her future.
  My mom knows she will be in heaven and that death is not the end, it is only the end of this chapter. So we try helping her to re-focus  hope,  it is no longer in medication, treatments, or healing, even healing is temporary in this world. We encourage her to focus her hope on those things that are eternal, that will last forever.  Please pray with us that God will help her to see her new hope, hope that comes with a positive outcome;  Titus 1:2" In hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began" . Our hope is not on a thing, a teatment or a doctor, it is not our life here on earth, our hope is GOD. Trusting  and knowing that our eternity will be with him in heaven , knowing, looking forward to heaven where  there will be no more pain, sickness, death, sadness, cancer, or tears!  Giving her peace in knowing she has lived her life and been a testimony to God and that it has all been the road to her future hope.
  Ps 39:7 And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Great-Grandma Mary meets Nadalie!

My mom's first great-grand baby was born in Florida a few months ago. It was my parents goal to be able to travel to Florida to meet baby Nadalie, but with my mom's health it just wasn't possible. When it became a reality that she wasn't up for traveling, my Nephew Nick and his wife Erica decided to bring Nadalie to mom! They flew all the way from Florida so my mom could meet her great-grand baby! Oh, and great-grandpa Chuck too!

My mom was in bed when they arrived but got up when she heard them coming in. We had her sit on the couch and Nick handed Nadalie to my mom to hold. All four of us immediately whipped out our cameras and started taking pictures. Poor Nadalie's eyes got huge as we were all standing around her calling her name, trying to get her to smile. It was only a few minutes before fatigue set in and my mom had to go back to bed.

Later that night,  we were all sitting around talking;  Nadalie was happily laying on her blanket on the floor when suddenly, my mom woke up and came out into the room. She didn't say anything to anyone but walked over to where Nadalie was and sat down on the floor beside her. She talked with Nadalie, eventually producing a big wide grin on little Nadalie's face. I think time stood still, we all stopped talking, in fact I think we were all holding our breath watching this interaction between great-grandma and great-grand daughter. I had a million thoughts and emotions going through my mind , I could only imagine what an emotional struggle it was for my mom as well. It only lasted a few minutes before my mom asked Nick to help her up off the floor. She got up and quietly went back to bed. I walked back with her to her bed and covered her up. It had taken all her strength to do what she just did but it was something that was very important to her .


 I pray that Nadalie will remember her great-grandma Mary. I want her to know how much my mom loved her and had prayed for her even before she was born!  I am so thankful that once again I was able to be a part of a very special moment with my mom, a time that we once again could see joy in the midst of such difficulties.

Just 45 minutes can mean so much

Forty Five minutes. I had my mom back for 45 minutes!
 My mom has been experiencing a lot of pain and nausea due to cancer. The battle has been ongoing  for over 6 years but the past year, especially the last few months have been very difficult. This past week  the decision was made to check her into an inpatient hospice center, just for a few days to help to see if they can get the medications better regulated to get her feeling a little better.
 Last night I was with her when she woke up. She got up out of bed , came over to where I was sitting and sat down with me. She asked me what I was eating and ate a little. She sat there with me for awhile chatting, walked around the room , down the hall stopping  to talk with a nurse and even joked around with her. She walked for a few minutes and then back to her room. She smiled at me and asked how the boys were doing, she smiled the first real smile I have seen in so long! She seemed to be totally free of pain for these 45 minutes. I was so happy just watching her, I was in tears thinking THIS is my mom.  She was awake and coherent for about  45 minutes and then needed to go back to bed. She was given another dose of medicine and fell back asleep. I was in tears thinking about what I just saw. I got to SEE my mom for 45 minutes and I am SO thankful! My mom is still there hiding behind the pain, and medicine but she is still there!! Cancer sucks but It does not take away who she is or her spirit ! Thank you God for allowing me to see her, to be able to have a glimpse of her true self to know that SHE is still there. I can't even express how much that meant to me, just 45 minutes!

Weary

Recently, a friend of mine on face book posted this verse. Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. I  stared at the verse for a long time reading it over and over. I wasn't sure why I was so drawn to the verse but the word weary kept jumping out at me. I decided to look up what weary means; it means feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep. To be come tired or wearied by a situation, tired, wearisome, tiresome, exhausted, fatigued. It hit me right in  gut. I have been struggling lately and just couldn't find the right word to describe how I was feeling until that word Weary was right in front of me. It was like a light bulb was turned on and I said to myself, yes, that is exactly it!  Weary. What a great word to describe how I feel right now.
Weariness is more than just feeling tired.  I am reminded daily of how different our lives are from what you would consider the "normal" and have become weary in wishing or hoping  that just one thing would be easy. I am weary from wanting things to be  different and that my son would find a place were he would feel excepted .  I am weary from lack of sleep, being woke up numerous times a night to help Ryan turn over in bed. I am weary watching my mom continue her fight against cancer.  I am weary as I watch other people in my life fight sickness. I am weary of seeing so many people I love struggle.
These feelings are not new, I have been on this roller coaster before and know that it will pass and I will be okay with it all but for now I can not give you wonderful words on how I have overcome these recent feelings. I am not to that point yet.  So what to do in the midst of all this? I continue on and try as the verse says not to give up.  I am holding onto this promise found in Psalms 27:13, I am confident (hope) of this; I WILL(expect) see the goodness (answer) of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait, take heart and Wait on the Lord. HOPE, EXPECT, ANSWER,WAIT!

A Teachers Mind

I am not a teacher nor do I have the gift of teaching but for many reasons ( I will share more detail in that later),  I am feeling God pull me to home-school Ryan for this coming school year . It is not a surprise to me, I have been fighting and ignoring  this feeling for sometime now. I have finally surrendered, knowing  this is what God wants me to do.

Over the years my boys have had many different teachers. I can tell you from experience that there are those who just do the  job, and then there are those who have a passion, a gift for teaching. 
My friend Laura has the gift of teaching. I just wanted to share a  little in-sight into the mind of a teacher through a phone conversation I had with her recently. We were talking about my decision to home school Ryan. I was saying how unprepared I felt and she was giving me encouragement.  We talked about how Ryan and I just recently went to Northwest Trek that Ryan loved to watch the bald eagles. She said homeschooling Ryan is as easy as taking that interest and turning it into a learning experience. I said, your right I can have him  look it up on the internet!  So much for my great teaching ideas.  So here is where the great teaching mind comes in;  She said Yes, that is a start but go even further. I then heard excitement in her voice as she began to speak. She said you can easily do a unit study on the Eagle bringing in  science, geology, history, art, and even English into the lesson. By this time she  was really excited, I could just imagine her face lighting up as she continued to give specific details on how to do it all. I listened and then started to chuckle. Yes, she has the gift of teaching and it was fun to hear all the ideas she had that I would have never thought of. It is funny how she took that one small thing and turn it into so much more, that's the mind of a gifted teacher!

While I am not a teacher, nor to I feel equipped to do this job I do know that for now I will become what Ryan needs. As the saying goes, "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called".  I am holding onto that truth and thankful that there are a few of those passionate, gifted teachers in my life that I can hopefully call upon when I need help!

Just a "little" blessing ?

I would rather not say who this is but a person in my family has really been having a hard time, going through some difficult struggles.
 Last night it seemed like it all came down at once and they were really upset. I had a hard time sleeping last night wishing there was something I could do. This morning I woke up and prayed asking God to please allow something positive to happen to this person today, just something little , something that would encourage them and be a  blessing.
 As the day went on I prayed this prayer again knowing this person was having such a hard time and my heart hurt for them.
 After dinner we got the mail and in the mailbox was a card addressed to this person. As they opened it and started to read it tears came to their eyes. It was a card sent from a friend and in the card was written an actual blessing, the words were short but seemed to be just what they needed at this point in their life. I got tears in my eyes and said to this person, " I just prayed this morning that God would bring a small blessing in your life today, God answered that prayer even before I prayed it". The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Thank you God for answering our prayers sometimes even before we pray them. Thank you for this person who felt lead to write this card. How many times do we get a "feeling" that we are supposed to call someone, send a card , go over and talk with someone, give a  hug,  and feel funny wondering why and what will they think, but when we do we find out that it was just what that person needed. Today I encourage you if you feel lead to reach out to someone please follow through . You never know if what you say or do is just what that person needed . YOU just might be who God uses to  answer a  prayer!

Acceptance is does NOT mean you give up.

I just feel like i have to say this, Acceptance does not mean you give up !

For some reason we think that if we accept the difficulties in our lives that we are  giving up.  
 I have been there. Many times, with Ryan . With each loss we have had to face with Duchennes, I have to work through it and  get to a  place to accept that this is our new normal.  It is not easy, I have to work through the fear and feeling guilty that by accepting means giving up hope.  That can't be farther from the truth.  Anxiety takes a lot of energy, acceptance lowers anxiety , brings much needed  peace , and allows you to have the strength to do what  is needed to do to get through it.
Over the past 6 years I have also watched my mom go through this with her cancer.  I know she doesn't like what is going on, she misses what she used to be able to do, she struggles with tomorrow. I think she feels like  if she accepts that  things are different than she has given up hope that  she will ever be able to do those things again. Once she is able to surrender to the fact that this is what her life is for now that is when the anxiety goes down, and she  has more energy to get through the day.
When you are dealing with a difficult thing , you go through a process,  part of that is accepting.To get to the place of acceptance is  saying, Okay this is the way it is, I may not like it , I can't change it but I  except it.  What causes so much anxiety is NOT doing this.  You can't change what has already happened, you have no control over what might happen, you can't change things by wishing things  were different ,  so surrender all that to God. When you do this your circumstance may  not change but accepting this is your life for now,  you will be at peace. 

Just trying to be helpful!

Jake usually mows the grass but since he is gone and Jeff has been busy working on the Mega ramp (see it in the background of the picture!)  I decided I would step in and be the hero. I will mow the grass! It has been a few years since I mowed the lawn but hey it doesn't take a rocket scientist right?

I put on  my hat, sunglasses work gloves , ear buds in my ears and got to work. Within a few minutes I realized that it had been along time since I had mowed the lawn. Wow, when did this yard get so big and has this lawn mower always been this heavy to push?
 I was plotting along when I  ran over Jake's soccer net. Of course this stopped the lawn mower dead in its tracks. Like a little kid I sheepishly went over to Jeff and told him what I did. He looked at the lawn mower and it was a mess. He had to take it into the  garage to fix it. It took him over  30 minutes to get the mess cleaned up. He fixed it and once again I started mowing.
Back and forth , back and forth , then I hit something again stopping the lawn mower.  I am like, what the heck, I looked down and it was a black plastic tube. I thought, I wonder what that could be? I backed the mower and up and restarted it,  thankfully this time it started back up.  I proceeded on, happily pushing the mower , enjoying my music when  a few minutes later Jeff walked up to me with the black plastic tube in his hand. I smiled , I said what was that for? It was part of the venting for our septic system, oops! Sorry !  I did finally get the lawn mowed after having to restart it about 20 times at least half of those times I had to have Jeff help me since the auto starter was not working. 

Having had this experience  I have decided a few things. 1)  Having a big yard is overrated. 2) We have way too much junk to have to mow around . 3) I am way too old to be pushing a lawn mower. 4) I think Jeff needs to buy a riding mower and finally 5) I bet Jeff won't take me up on my offer to "help" mow the lawn again! 
When was a time that your offer to "help" turned into be something more than "help" ? 

My surprisingly respectful son.

Jake has been gone on his mission trip for a week. It is so quiet around here. Jake is my energizer bunny, he keeps going and going and going. He loves to debate  (argue) , and he can wear me down but it is funny how the things that seem to drive me  the craziest with my kids is what I miss the most when they are gone. Jake has a way adding much needed life to our house.  He is a senior in high school this year, I don't even want to think about how much I am going to miss him when he goes to college! Okay, we do have one year left!

Near the end of this school year Jake had to present his portfolio. It is supposed to be a  year long project, of course in Jake style he spent the 2 days prior to this presentation doing his year long portfolio. Much to my amazement he had it done on time.  He had to present this in front of his school adviser and us.

 That morning Jake and I had our usual argument and were running late to get to the school.  Once we arrived we walked into the counselors office, Jake shook her hand and then introduced me to her. He then proceeded to come around the table and pulled out my chair for me to sit down.  He started off his presentation , it was about 20 minutes long,  I sat there in amazement, as he gave a wonderfully prepared, intelligent, detailed, witty, humorous presentation. Stopping occasionally to politely answer questions that he adviser asked.   I know I must have had my mouth hanging open in surprise, wondering who in the world is this polite, respectful child ? Who is he , and what did he do with Jake?  After it was over , we were walking back to the van I complemented him on  a job well done, and how I was impressed with how respectful he was to this adviser.   Of course it wasn't long before the old Jake was back arguing with his mom again! It was nice to see this side of Jake, we don't get to see it very often. It is a relief to this mom to known that he does have it in him, that he can be respectful when he wants to be. 

Ryan's Maiden Voyage with the Mega Ramp!

This is a great day in the McKenzie's house! Ryan is able to come upstairs once again!

Something so little as a set of steps, causing so much problems.  Ryan has not been able to go upstairs in our home,  independently for over  4 years!  4 years since he has been able to walk upstairs. Once he was  no longer able to walk  we used a stair lift to get him upstairs and then transferred him to a manual chair. Since his back surgery over 1 1/2 years ago,  he has not been able to use the stair lift which means he hasn't been upstairs in 1 1/2 years! Now that I think about it, this the first time his power chair has been upstairs!

 I am SO excited I can't even begin to tell you how happy it  makes this moms  heart to see my boy in my kitchen again! He had to check everything out, Jake's messy bedroom and of course the refrigerator!  The little things, being able to see whats in the refrigerator!  He was all smiles!
I wanted to share this happy moment so here is a video of Ryan doing a test run of his Mega ramp. Keep in mind it isn't done yet, still a lot of work to be done, but it is done enough that Ryan was able to give it a try! He made it upstairs and we were able to have dinner around our dining room table as a family!!! I just can't even begin to tell you what that means to all of us!!!!!
 So thankful that God gave Jeff the talents and gifted him in such a way to be able to do this. Thank you Grandpa chuck as well for being the apprentice ( clean up man ). Thanks to Jake as well for being the assistant to the apprentice!